Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Trying Times

So today I am 6+3 or 7+1.

I wakened up for work on Wednesday 24th October and when I went to pee I had brown discharge. I went back to bed, not even surprised.  I text my best friend from work and asked her to tell boss as I couldn't face texting him as I had no idea what to say.  Couldn't get in touch with hubby as he is not allowed phone at work as he works in petrochemical plant.  I had no idea what number to call as when this all happened before it was at the old hospital and I had all the relevant contact numbers.  After a few attempts I got the right number but constantly going to voicemail so I left a message as requested.  This was at 8.30am.  By 10.30am no call back so called again and got straight through.  When I explained my history the midwife was lovely and booked me in for scan at 1.45pm. 

I was there for ages they were soooo slow.  No heartbeat seen but measuring 2.6 (5-6 weeks) and fetal pole seen so booked in for follow up/viability scan for Wednesday 31st October.

I stayed off work on the Thursday too. I was also very sick.

I forced myself to go to work on the Friday as I had the following week off so had to finish stuff off.  I really struggled I was so ill.

By Friday evening I could not keep down any food or fluids.  The Hyperemesis Gravidarum was back.  HG is severe morning sickness and I cannot stress how horrible it is, you can never imagine how it feels until you experience it.  You actually think you are going to die.  

In hindsight I should have gone to hospital on Saturday but when I had HG 2 years ago you had to be really really bad before they saw you so I put it off until my urine got darker.  Saturday night was horrific I was literally over the toilet every 10 minutes even when nothing was coming up I was still actually being sick.

As soon as I could on Sunday morning I called the hospital and went in.  Got there at 9.30am.  Waited for almost 2 hours to be seen it was horrible I felt like I just wanted to curl up and die.  In waiting room in maternity with heavily pregnant women.  Finally I was taken into a delivery room eventually put onto drip for fluids, Hartmanns, and had stemetil injection in my bum, they are soo stingy.  The venflon they put in me was absolute agony I should've known there was something wrong with it.  I sent hubby home to see to the dogs etc as he hates hospitals they make him really stressed.  Soon after my arm was all swollen more than twice its size I had to ask a nurse as she passed (they did not give me the alarm), she got someone to check it and agreed they had missed the vein and the fluids were going into the tissue.  She had to put another line in at the crux of my right arm. My urine came back with 4 + of ketones which is pretty badly dehydrated and one + of protein.  I was lain on the bed in my clothes, it wasn't even a proper bed it was a delivery room bed, i was freezing I had to ask for a blanket.  I was basically just left, no-one came to check on me at all.  At around 4pm a nurse came told me I was being moved to a ward little did I know hubby had been waiting outside for 15 minutes to see me! He eventually got in when I was in ward and he was not amused.  I then asked if I was being kept in and they said I had to check with the person who had been looking after mw (erm no-one!!)  They linked up my drip again and it was blocked.  She tried to unblock it and got blood all over the bed :-(  She said she would get someone to change the bed.

Around 5pm the doctor came round and he told me I would be staying in.  He asked if I had eaten I said no but I felt hungry so he told them to get me food thankfully as they never offered me any dinner.  I had a wee drop of soup.  I still felt sick so got a cyclizine injection in my bum too.  I got changed into my nightie and got into the bed (which still hadn't been changed).  I slept terribly due to the line in my arm.  

8.30am we were wakened with lights on and breakfast. I had some orange juice and tried some toast.  Left my urine sample as you do. I still had 4 + of ketones!!!

Absolutely no phone signal at all which is a nightmare as you can't keep in touch with family.

Lunch time 12pm I had some soup which was yummy and an egg sandwich I ate it all.  Doctor came around she was really nice and interested in hearing about my history she said I could get home with meds and come in as soon s sickness starts again.

Hubby appeared just as doctor was leaving which was a surprise as he was supposed to be at work.

At 3.30pm I left the hospital.

My mum brought over some soup for me then I went to my own big cosy bed!!!

On Sunday when I was lying on that delivery bed I broke down to hubby and said if we don't get to keep this baby do you still want to keep trying, IVf etc? He welled up and said he would do whatever I wanted.  I was just totally broken by that point.  When he brought it up yesterday he started crying again, the reason he didn't go to work is he was up all night worrying about me and our baby plans and the 4+ years already spent on this journey and all we have been through emotionally and physically.

When I was discharged yesterday I was told the lovely lady doctor wants to see me at her surgery on Monday about my translocation and they have requested my medical noted for then.

In the meantime I have my scan tomorrow, no idea what that will bring, I just hope that my baby is still in there and I have not endured this horror for nothing :-(

Today hasn't been too bad, only been sick once but have no energy and very shaky.

I will try to update tomorrow xxx

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Wow what a 30th that was!

Since 8pm on Tuesday 15th October I was in bed really ill with a flu bug.

Last night (Thursday 17th October) I was lying in bed & couldn't quite remember what cycle day I was so got up to check, it was the end of CD37.  Normally I am 32 and no more than 36.  I put it down to being ill and prepared myself for AF arriving the next day on my 30th birthday.

This morning I turned 30.  I had to go to work as I had an important client coming in specifically to see me so dragged myself to work.  Packed bag with tampons & painkillers.

Work colleagues gave me a lovely bunch of flowers and a Debenhams giftcard. Client called to say he had to go away on a job so couldn't make it in argh!  I felt rubbish all day.  Luckily it was a pretty easy day.

Near home time I felt very sick and faint.  We had agreed hubby would make me steak & potatoes for dinner and cheesecake for pudding yum. I really didn't feel like eating.

Got home and went to toilet, POAS bam straight away 2 strong lines on a Superdrug test. In shock. 

Went downstairs and told hubby he was shellshocked too.  Just goes to show his heart attack definitely was the effect on his sperm! 

Poor hubby was making dinner I just kept saying bad words, I was so stunned I didn't know what to do.  Mum was coming over at 6.30pm, at least she knew I had been ill so I didnt have to pretend to feel great! I hardly ate any dinner, have no appetite at all.

So now the worry starts. I think I will be almost 5 weeks, I will do a CB digi in the morning.

Hubby has sperm sample on 1st November so he will still be going for that and we will keep our clinic appointment for 19th December.  I am not expecting this pregnancy to go all the way but there is a flicker of hope that this is our time.

I've no idea where to go from here.  I need to speak to the genetics counsellor discuss CVS and possible early scan too.

We both agreed we wouldn't try naturally ever again as the odds are extremely high it will end in miscarriage, or baby will be born with severe defects/disabilities and more than likely die extremely young if it is affected by my translocation.  We thought hubbys sperm was so bad there was no way he could get me pregnant (he hadn't in a year!).

Oh well.  Pleaseeee let this be it for us I am begging all the powers that be.

I did the EDD calculator and ironically it is 22nd June 2013, the anniversary of our first ICSI PGD cycle being abandoned on day of ET!

I can't help but feel terrible for the many many many IF friends I've made and I hate posting about my BFP in this manner.  I really don't want them to think I'm ungrateful, I really am not I promise.  It's just so hard.  I know it must be horrible for some of my friends who can't conceive naturally for this to happen to me and I truly hope you can understand.

In my last pregnancy I suffered terribly from Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) and was hospitalised a few times.  The way I feel right now this may go the same way!

But, seriously I am literally just waiting for the bleeding to start.  How bad does that sound?!

Anyway I just wanted to try to explain a bit for those who don't know, hope it's been helpful.


Monday, 15 October 2012

15th October

Baby Loss Awareness Day

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

National Wave of Light

There are a few names for this, it's not just here in the UK.  For one very special day in the year all of us mothers and fathers come together to remember, reflect and share our losses.  It's a very special group, one that no-one wants to be a part of but one we are glad to have here for us. 

There is still such a taboo about being open about loss.  Even now I am wary of posting relative things on Facebook - but why??? It's my Facebook page, it happened to me, it's my life.  And most of all, we need to talk about it.  We don't want people to pretend it doesn't happen.  It's all very well the posts and scan pictures all over Facebook on a daily basis but what about us, why do we suffer in silence and when we do get help/advice/support/understanding it's only in our lovely wee family off loss that we can find it.

So tonight I lit my candles and remember my 3 darling angel babies gone far too soon.

Sunday, 14 October 2012

Happier Times

I just had to blog.

I have never felt so happy in such a very long time.

4 years trying to start a family, 3 miscarriages and 1 failed IVF - DESTROYS you as a person and has such a huge impact on your life and your views on life and things in general.

So last night was a ceilidh/disco for the riding school to mark 40 years of business and as a fundraiser for Cancer Research as my friend/instructors dad who owns the riding school had a very close brush with cancer last year.  I was actually dreading it. I've not been out socialising much with this group of friends from the stables where I ride my friends horse.  Hubby isn't big on socialising especially with strangers. It wasn't going to go well.

So we arrived a bit late but got a seat at a large round table right beside dance floor with some friends who were already there. Grabbed a drink! Everyone was so nice and welcoming, speaking to hubby and making him feel comfortable, my friend/instructor is amazing she sat with him for a while bringing him out his shell. I went and did a few Scottish dances with my friends and it was great fun, although I am very unfit! Good friend whose horse I ride, her husband to be gets on great with my hubby and they eventually even got my hubby to DANCE!  It was really good fun I could go with all my friends and dance and not worry about having to look after hubby we had an absolute ball I was so so happy :-)  Was very disappointed when the evening came to an end.

Feeling very loved up with hubby and it feels amazing to actually feel properly happy.  A full night of no IF, apart from at the start of the night one friend I havent seen for a while asked when next IVF is and that was it! I was free from IF woohooooo!!!!!!!

Thinking back to one of my previous blogs about lack of friends, well last night just proved I have so many genuine friends who do care and want me to be happy :-)

We are all off out again on Friday night for my friends 21st, her birthday is on Thursday same as mine, although I am 30 and she is insisting we share her party and I have to do a speech bless her - its her party lol!

Downside, I drank wayyyyy to much and have spent all day in my pj's can can't wait to get to bed after X-Factor lol!!

Top night I am so thankful for my friends :-) xxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 7 October 2012

In Memory Of Louise Imrie

Today signifies the anniversary of the last time I saw Louise compete, at Gleneagles cross country.  She was doing pairs and her friend pulled out on that morning she was very lucky that another friend very kindly agreed to come and I am very thankful for that.  And it was also to be the last time I saw Lou ride too.

On Friday 18th November 2011 Louise was at school and had to go to the nurse as she was complaining of a headache.  She blacked out in the nurses room there and then and never came around.  She died on Sunday 20th November.  She donated 5 organs and saved 5 lives.  I am so proud of her and my amazing friend, her mum, Gillian.

As fate would have it, on Thursday night I stopped in for petrol on way home from the stables and they were parked in front of me, I am so glad to have spoken to her the day before that fateful day.  And on hindsight she wasn't her usual self, I wonder if she had a headache then.

Laterally we have one of those friendships where you didnt see each other much but always picked up where you left off.  I was there as Lou grew up with the ponies and I led her on the lead rein at shows on her wee Shetland pony Rocky and watched her grow up and onto bigger, different and more challenging horses.  Monty, Wotsit, Cleo.  I remember I took her to showjumping on Monty and I had a go round too lol (this is a wee Welsh Sectioon A lol!!).  And one time she was jumping him (he had a very dirty stop on him for a while) he was being very bad so I got on for her and he ditched me lol, she never let me live it down.  She turned out to be a fantastic jumper and very capable rider on a very difficult horse.  Such a shame to lose such young talent and an amazing girl she was so cheeky yet loveable and caring young lady who would give everything for her horses.

So although its not the anniversary of her death, I am thinking of her a lot today as the last time I saw her in action.

Just realised I didnt say what happened to her, she had a massive bleed on the brain, age only 14 :-( .  According to the doctors she had it all of her life and it just randomly burst as it would have done one day.  I remember Gillian telling me she is glad she didnt know she had it or she would have wrapped her up in cotton wool, not let her ride and fulfill her dreams like she did every day of her life

RIP Lou never forgotten xxxxxxxx

PS my Blog profile pic is actually she memorial pic I chose to put on facebook for Lou and I think its so relevant to her xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I am making this post in this colour as it was her fave. Rather than my fave purple xx

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Well it's October

and I turn 30 on the 18th! Eeeek!

I am feeling very down today and I thought perhaps blogging may help.

No updates on IVF number 2 sadly, the days are literally just dragging in and I can't seem to think of anything else.  I am really hoping it is January but I highly doubt it. Yet another awful Christmas & New Year to look forward to.

I started back on my Pregnacare conception tablets yesterday and Im starting to go riding a couple of times a week again starting on Friday which may help with my state of mind, and also getting me back to some level of fitness and loss of weight!! Here's hoping.

I love the IF family I have met on online forums and on twitter, but lately I've been wondering if it's good for me. Most of my friends are mid treatment and have lots going on & it makes me feel a little....jealous...I suppose is the word.  I just feel totally robbed that from my 16 eggs I had none for transfer.  It's so unfair and I don't know what we did to deserve this. Life never seems to go our way.  Don't get me wrong I am so happy for everyone, I know how hard this journey is.  I am supposed to feel accepted in these places and among people that know what I'm going through but at the moment I feel lost and it's horrible I wish people could understand how had it is not to have even got to ET and been PUPO. I try my best to be there for everyone, do I do something wrong? Its the same in real life too no matter how hard I try with friends I never seem to get anything back. It hurts.

One IF friend who has been totally amazing and feels like the best friend is the world is my Jess. Jess had 2 embryos put back and is now 20 weeks pregnant with triplets, after having TTTS surgery 2 weeks ago. I am so proud of her she is such a strong yet loving and caring person, its just a shame she lives so far away :-(  I have already chosen 2 pressies for the babies I can't wait for them to arrive safe & sound and I soooo want to make a point of visiting them. 

I have no-one in real life to talk to and I can't stop thinking of how I must fail as a friend to end up having none.

Sorry for the self indulgent put down blog.  Hopefully next one will be better.

MrsM xxxxxx