13+4 Today!

Well everyone I have passed the dreaded 12 week stage! I can officially say I am in the second trimester for the first time ever!

It has been tough being back at work even though boss was good and let me come back phased so the first week I just did 9am-12.30pm then the second week until 3pm then this week till 5pm which was a killer but that is me now finished for Christmas, 2 weeks off yay thank goodness for saved holidays! 

Things between Dh and I are good finally, he is very worried about amnio results, which I am too.  well, I am also nervous about the actual test itself too.

On Thursday 13th December I had my 12 week scan thats when they put my dates forward by 3 days :-) I was scanned for ages as baby was misbehaving and wouldn't lie still to be measured etc. Baby even tuned upside down at one point, then lay with its back to us and you could see all of the spine it was amazing.  Midwife was great with me when I told her my history, got a great scan pic with legs kicked out which I will add at the end.  I was also told I have to go for a glucose tolerance test as my last blood sugar was too high, but to be honest I think thats because I have to sook on mint humbugs all day to stop being sick!

On that note the sickness has been better just some evenings it comes back with a vengeance.  I have had some heartburn too and the gaviscon tablets are disgusting.  I managed out for my works Christmas lunch which was amazing I just ate a little but I wasnt sick yay!

I even ordered some maternity clothing! I think I am getting carried away!  Just basic dresses to get by as my bump is swelling and very uncomfy in my usual clothing.

Outside of baby life Im not really having any life at all I am just soooo tired all the time. Speaking of which its almost 7pm bed time so good night all xx

Getting there

Well I am 11+2 today!!!!

Last Friday I travelled all the way to go and get my CVS done, it was such a cold day too.  I was taken in for a scan first so they could see where the placenta was.  I think I was convinced baby would be dead as it normally is but imagine my surprise to see it moving around wriggling and kicking and punching it was sooo funny I laughed and DH got embarrassed at it was all very serious.  Sadly they couldn't do the CVS as my bowel was in the way.  They booked me in again for today but after a chat with DH we decided to cancel and just wait for amnio which is now 11th January when I will be 16+3.

I have my 12 week scan exactly a week today when I will be 12+2 which I am excited about to see baby again hopefully moving around like last time.

Yesterday I got a call from IVF clinic saying I can start my next cycle asap.  I apologised profusely that no-one had passed the message on that I'm preggers all DIY style! she was really nice and we had a nice chat she was very understanding about the hyperemesis as she suffered from it.

Seems I am in good company with my illness as hte Duchess of Cambridge has it too.  I am so upset though by the facebook and twitter comments slating her and saying its just a bit of morning sickness etc, oh if only they knew the half of it I tell you!!!!

In relation to the HG I am ok in mornings now and did my 4th morning back at work today.  Im not going to lie it has been a struggle and I am absolutely knackered but Im in bed by 7pm every night! 

Things are gradually getting better between DH and I probably because I am able to do a bit more now.

Please let me be one of the ones who has it disappear completely by 2nd trimester pretty please!!!!!

10 weeks!

Well today I am 10 weeks pregnant.

I had my booking in appointment this morning which went ok & they gave me a new vitamin instead of just folic acid which had vit D in it.  Had to have bloods done twice as she forgot one which was not very nice.

I am waiting for the doctor to call me back as my meds have run out and I need more and I missed his call this morning boohoo I hope I get them soon as due to take them in 3 hours eek!

I managed to go to Tesco and I got 2 CD's and some xmas cards yay finally something done for xmas.

The sickness has been more controlled and I am surprised at how ok I feel today after a terrible sleep, which then makes me panic that everything is not well with baby.  I really need to try to get back to work soon though scared incase boss puts me on SSP without telling me, we only get 4 weeks sick pay in a year anything else is at his discretion.

CVS in 3 sleeps time Im quite nervous about it to be honest!

DH and I still not getting on well he is not feeling good and is taking it out on me and wants me to do more in the house, well I would if I could I just cant believe he doesnt know how much a struggle the slightest thing is for me.

xxx

Quick update

I am so sorry I've been unable to update my blog. I have been very poorly for the last 3 weeks now with the Hyperemesis.  I have just got home from my 5th hospital admission, 3 drugs 3 times per day and still can't keep it at bay. I have finally talked the doctor into giving me Ondansatron which is the only thing that seems to help a bit. So I am now on 4 tablets 3 times per day, as well as a vitamin tablet 3 times per day!.

Yesterday I had a scan (my 4th one!) and today I will be 8+4, DH was there at the scan for the first time.  Everything is looking ok.

We have our CVS booked for 30th November which I am quite nervous about.

I also had acupuncture on NHS for the Hyperemesis, they just put one needle in each wrist but Ive to go once per week.

DH is starting to struggle with all of this we had a big fight today (in the hospital, luckily I had a private room) he reminded me that he just had a heart attack 3 months ago and he feels really stressed out, can't sleep for worrying about me and baby etc.

Anyway I need my bed again, just wanted to check in xxx

Trying Times

So today I am 6+3 or 7+1.

I wakened up for work on Wednesday 24th October and when I went to pee I had brown discharge. I went back to bed, not even surprised.  I text my best friend from work and asked her to tell boss as I couldn't face texting him as I had no idea what to say.  Couldn't get in touch with hubby as he is not allowed phone at work as he works in petrochemical plant.  I had no idea what number to call as when this all happened before it was at the old hospital and I had all the relevant contact numbers.  After a few attempts I got the right number but constantly going to voicemail so I left a message as requested.  This was at 8.30am.  By 10.30am no call back so called again and got straight through.  When I explained my history the midwife was lovely and booked me in for scan at 1.45pm. 

I was there for ages they were soooo slow.  No heartbeat seen but measuring 2.6 (5-6 weeks) and fetal pole seen so booked in for follow up/viability scan for Wednesday 31st October.

I stayed off work on the Thursday too. I was also very sick.

I forced myself to go to work on the Friday as I had the following week off so had to finish stuff off.  I really struggled I was so ill.

By Friday evening I could not keep down any food or fluids.  The Hyperemesis Gravidarum was back.  HG is severe morning sickness and I cannot stress how horrible it is, you can never imagine how it feels until you experience it.  You actually think you are going to die.  

In hindsight I should have gone to hospital on Saturday but when I had HG 2 years ago you had to be really really bad before they saw you so I put it off until my urine got darker.  Saturday night was horrific I was literally over the toilet every 10 minutes even when nothing was coming up I was still actually being sick.

As soon as I could on Sunday morning I called the hospital and went in.  Got there at 9.30am.  Waited for almost 2 hours to be seen it was horrible I felt like I just wanted to curl up and die.  In waiting room in maternity with heavily pregnant women.  Finally I was taken into a delivery room eventually put onto drip for fluids, Hartmanns, and had stemetil injection in my bum, they are soo stingy.  The venflon they put in me was absolute agony I should've known there was something wrong with it.  I sent hubby home to see to the dogs etc as he hates hospitals they make him really stressed.  Soon after my arm was all swollen more than twice its size I had to ask a nurse as she passed (they did not give me the alarm), she got someone to check it and agreed they had missed the vein and the fluids were going into the tissue.  She had to put another line in at the crux of my right arm. My urine came back with 4 + of ketones which is pretty badly dehydrated and one + of protein.  I was lain on the bed in my clothes, it wasn't even a proper bed it was a delivery room bed, i was freezing I had to ask for a blanket.  I was basically just left, no-one came to check on me at all.  At around 4pm a nurse came told me I was being moved to a ward little did I know hubby had been waiting outside for 15 minutes to see me! He eventually got in when I was in ward and he was not amused.  I then asked if I was being kept in and they said I had to check with the person who had been looking after mw (erm no-one!!)  They linked up my drip again and it was blocked.  She tried to unblock it and got blood all over the bed :-(  She said she would get someone to change the bed.

Around 5pm the doctor came round and he told me I would be staying in.  He asked if I had eaten I said no but I felt hungry so he told them to get me food thankfully as they never offered me any dinner.  I had a wee drop of soup.  I still felt sick so got a cyclizine injection in my bum too.  I got changed into my nightie and got into the bed (which still hadn't been changed).  I slept terribly due to the line in my arm.  

8.30am we were wakened with lights on and breakfast. I had some orange juice and tried some toast.  Left my urine sample as you do. I still had 4 + of ketones!!!

Absolutely no phone signal at all which is a nightmare as you can't keep in touch with family.

Lunch time 12pm I had some soup which was yummy and an egg sandwich I ate it all.  Doctor came around she was really nice and interested in hearing about my history she said I could get home with meds and come in as soon s sickness starts again.

Hubby appeared just as doctor was leaving which was a surprise as he was supposed to be at work.

At 3.30pm I left the hospital.

My mum brought over some soup for me then I went to my own big cosy bed!!!

On Sunday when I was lying on that delivery bed I broke down to hubby and said if we don't get to keep this baby do you still want to keep trying, IVf etc? He welled up and said he would do whatever I wanted.  I was just totally broken by that point.  When he brought it up yesterday he started crying again, the reason he didn't go to work is he was up all night worrying about me and our baby plans and the 4+ years already spent on this journey and all we have been through emotionally and physically.

When I was discharged yesterday I was told the lovely lady doctor wants to see me at her surgery on Monday about my translocation and they have requested my medical noted for then.

In the meantime I have my scan tomorrow, no idea what that will bring, I just hope that my baby is still in there and I have not endured this horror for nothing :-(

Today hasn't been too bad, only been sick once but have no energy and very shaky.

I will try to update tomorrow xxx

Wow what a 30th that was!

Since 8pm on Tuesday 15th October I was in bed really ill with a flu bug.

Last night (Thursday 17th October) I was lying in bed & couldn't quite remember what cycle day I was so got up to check, it was the end of CD37.  Normally I am 32 and no more than 36.  I put it down to being ill and prepared myself for AF arriving the next day on my 30th birthday.

This morning I turned 30.  I had to go to work as I had an important client coming in specifically to see me so dragged myself to work.  Packed bag with tampons & painkillers.

Work colleagues gave me a lovely bunch of flowers and a Debenhams giftcard. Client called to say he had to go away on a job so couldn't make it in argh!  I felt rubbish all day.  Luckily it was a pretty easy day.

Near home time I felt very sick and faint.  We had agreed hubby would make me steak & potatoes for dinner and cheesecake for pudding yum. I really didn't feel like eating.

Got home and went to toilet, POAS bam straight away 2 strong lines on a Superdrug test. In shock. 

Went downstairs and told hubby he was shellshocked too.  Just goes to show his heart attack definitely was the effect on his sperm! 

Poor hubby was making dinner I just kept saying bad words, I was so stunned I didn't know what to do.  Mum was coming over at 6.30pm, at least she knew I had been ill so I didnt have to pretend to feel great! I hardly ate any dinner, have no appetite at all.

So now the worry starts. I think I will be almost 5 weeks, I will do a CB digi in the morning.

Hubby has sperm sample on 1st November so he will still be going for that and we will keep our clinic appointment for 19th December.  I am not expecting this pregnancy to go all the way but there is a flicker of hope that this is our time.

I've no idea where to go from here.  I need to speak to the genetics counsellor discuss CVS and possible early scan too.

We both agreed we wouldn't try naturally ever again as the odds are extremely high it will end in miscarriage, or baby will be born with severe defects/disabilities and more than likely die extremely young if it is affected by my translocation.  We thought hubbys sperm was so bad there was no way he could get me pregnant (he hadn't in a year!).

Oh well.  Pleaseeee let this be it for us I am begging all the powers that be.

I did the EDD calculator and ironically it is 22nd June 2013, the anniversary of our first ICSI PGD cycle being abandoned on day of ET!

I can't help but feel terrible for the many many many IF friends I've made and I hate posting about my BFP in this manner.  I really don't want them to think I'm ungrateful, I really am not I promise.  It's just so hard.  I know it must be horrible for some of my friends who can't conceive naturally for this to happen to me and I truly hope you can understand.

In my last pregnancy I suffered terribly from Hyperemesis Gravidarum (severe morning sickness) and was hospitalised a few times.  The way I feel right now this may go the same way!

But, seriously I am literally just waiting for the bleeding to start.  How bad does that sound?!

Anyway I just wanted to try to explain a bit for those who don't know, hope it's been helpful.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

15th October

Baby Loss Awareness Day

International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

National Wave of Light

There are a few names for this, it's not just here in the UK.  For one very special day in the year all of us mothers and fathers come together to remember, reflect and share our losses.  It's a very special group, one that no-one wants to be a part of but one we are glad to have here for us. 

There is still such a taboo about being open about loss.  Even now I am wary of posting relative things on Facebook - but why??? It's my Facebook page, it happened to me, it's my life.  And most of all, we need to talk about it.  We don't want people to pretend it doesn't happen.  It's all very well the posts and scan pictures all over Facebook on a daily basis but what about us, why do we suffer in silence and when we do get help/advice/support/understanding it's only in our lovely wee family off loss that we can find it.

So tonight I lit my candles and remember my 3 darling angel babies gone far too soon.